After Shocks

I have nightmares of bleeding, I have nightmares of losing my baby and no matter how much rationalization or distraction I employ to heed off these disturbing thoughts when I awake, they stay with me throughout the day. The same is true with my hospital stay. For a while there, I’d relive the ICU days over and over again thinking about what I should have or could have done differently. It took so much time and energy to convey to the doctors the pain I was in and something in my mind wants to blame myself for not doing enough or saying enough or something.

I’m scared. I’m angry. I’m so beyond anxious that it feels like it is eating me whole. I have been adding up all the events of my life. Some days I add up all the good, all the people I have been blessed to have in my life. Other days I add up all the bad, all the disappointments, all the hurt from those that didn’t show up or those that caused pain and of the pain and loss of the becoming mom. Some days I mourn my uterus and want so badly to have another child. Other days I am so overwhelmed by my childs’ needs that I think I am not worthy of this, that I am not a good Mom and that I am not warranted to feel loss or mourn what I have lost because I can’t even handle what I have.