The OR

There were a lot of little moments that run through my mind from the point I delivered Lyla to when I woke up in the ICU but the defining moment was when the D&C didn’t stop the bleeding and my doctor said I needed a hysterectomy. I don’t know if it was minutes or seconds but I asked her in a daze from the anesthesia and possibly from the blood loss if it was absolutely necessary to remove my uterus. She leaned over me on the operating table with her surgical mask covering most of her face and kindly but firmly said that she must. There was a look in her eyes, a kind of resolve because she knew she needed to do it to keep me alive. I’d held it together until that point, not crying, reassuring Matt in the Labor and Delivery room but it was in that moment, when she looked me in the eyes that I felt so scared. I put my hands over my eyes, over my face and I sobbed. I sobbed because I realized I was losing so much blood. I sobbed because I have two beautiful children that need their mommy. I sobbed for the children I wouldn’t have. I sobbed for Matt because I love him with everything in my soul. I sobbed on the operating table in a room with 10 - maybe 15 people swirling around the room preparing for my surgery. Someone, maybe my doctor, asked if I wanted to see Matt and all I could do is nod with my hands still covering my face. I wonder what it looks like as a doctor and nurse to see that. When Matt came in his facial expression was one I’d never seen before in the 11 years I’d known him. I stopped crying and I told him he needed to call our moms and get one of them here as soon as they can, that we needed them. I thought about all the work of caring for the kids while I recovered and knew he’d need help, that I’d need help and he nodded or maybe said something to that effect. I know we said loved each other and I don’t know if I cried again but the last thing I remember was him walking out of the room. I think the anesthesia fully set in at that point because that is my last memory of being in the operating room is seeing Matt walk out and being alone on that table.